Timeline: Chapter 1

So, I've been writing this story as a fanfiction on my tumblr so I can get a larger audience to criticize it and then I realized that dA could help me better with it not being a fanfiction. So, here's my first chapter to the novel I've been working on. Please please PLEASE give me constructive criticism. I am pleading with you to do so. Give me feedback because, as an aspiring writer, it's what I strive for. I hope you like it. If you don't, tell me why. Thanks for reading!